if anyone runs into the same problem- using fully virtualized network cards helps (e1000, rtl8139) but has am major performance impact, really high cpu utilization in comparison to my esxi setup I had before, although this kvm box has a better cpu. i would strongly advise against it, unless you have so much horsepower, it does not matter.
but I came across this: https://docs.netgate.com/pfsense/en/latest/recipes/virtualize-proxmox.html
in the last paragraph it states:
"Because the hardware checksum offload is not yet disabled, accessing pfSense webGUI might be sluggish. This is NORMAL and is fixed in the following step."
well, setting this option seems to help for me for any traffic passing the pfSense VM. I can now run virtio paravirtualized network interfaces and have a good performance over all, at relatively low cpu consumption.