Da funny jokes section, gone?



  • Since it says 'talk about anything here' I thought I might as well add  ;D

    Please join it if you like, laughs are good for health, they take away 24/7 stress.

    (And next, for a funny pics thread :-* ).

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



  • Blonde Traffic Stop
    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

    The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.

    She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

    "Here it is," she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.

    I didn't realize you were a cop."



  • Truck driver passes a red light
    And colliding with another woman's car

    The woman sues truck driver in court
    And loses
    The woman asks the reason
    The judge replies
    Woman should not leave the kitchen

    The woman gets upset
    And go to another court
    Again she loses the trial
    When she asks why
    The judge replies
    Woman should not leave the kitchen

    Now The woman is very angry
    She goes to another court
    Where she is suing the truck driver again

    This time The judge rules in her favor
    The woman Is pleased
    She asks the The judge way did he rules in her favor
    The judge replies
    I thought it was clear
    the truck driver should not drive around in your kitchen

    Hope you understand
    It loses something in translation to English



  • I'm a little short on humor right now ( 8) ).

    But I could share this: it has humor in it too, if you are dog lover (and especially: know the Rottweiler, apparently dangerous according to the talking heads in the news papers,  but in real life one of the sweetest dogs you can have - if you know how to communicate with them. My hobby, for over 30 years, is training one breed, and one breed alone: the Rottweiler  ;D ).

    Look at the arrogant face of this puppy - and look at how happy mum is sitting there, with that little kid on her back. That's one pic that says almost everything about what a Rottweiler really is :P




  • And amongst the tens of thousands of Rottweilers pics I have by now (most of my own kids  ;D ), this one is in my absolute all time favorites list. If you look at the expressions in the eyes, the text was extremely well chosen  :-*




  • OPNsense.



  • @gonzopancho:

    OPNsense.

    You know, Gonzo? I actually had to think about an hour if you, by accident, weren't replying in the wrong thread. Before I got it.

    I never claimed the current Dutch are smart; that was our forefathers  ;D ;D ;D

    ;)



  • Allegedly an actual company memo:

    INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

    Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

    Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.


  • Banned

    Poor mice…. :D



  • I will keep on trying until all of you join in; there's so many nice people in here, you all must have a bunch of ROFL-stuff in your sleeves, just hoping to see them.

    A laugh a day keeps the doctor away (it's true(!)) Since I'm a dog lover to the maximus (all my life), having a bunch of Rottweilers running around the house happily, on today's menu: 10 pics  ;D

    My apologies to non-dog lovers. I love cats too. Any animal, for that matter (I do believe the average animal is nicer companionship than the average human being, in today's mad/sad world).

    And as a picture says more than 1000 words, the 10 pics.

    Please DO join in, let's give each other a good laugh: the world instantly becomes brighter with it  :P




  • nm




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  • Never understood why, but all my 'Weilers do this: driving 120 km/hr on the highway, all they want is for me to open the back window so they can do that. I don't want wind in my face @ 120 km/hr; my muppets love it ;D




  • Believe it or not, one of my Rottweilers, my big boy of 60kg, really sits like this on the couch, when he's watching TV  ;D ;D ;D




  • Of course, my 60kg big boy also sits like this from time to time - almost  ;D




  • And finally, one of my all time favorite pics  ;D

    ![Funny Animals With Funny Texts (3).jpg](/public/imported_attachments/1/Funny Animals With Funny Texts (3).jpg)
    ![Funny Animals With Funny Texts (3).jpg_thumb](/public/imported_attachments/1/Funny Animals With Funny Texts (3).jpg_thumb)



  • Not many funny people in here it appears  :-[

    A guy is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

    "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"



  • A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

    The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, Want to take a look at this?"

    The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

    The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:

    "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

    The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic:

    "Try doing it with the engine running".

    ;D



  • @Mr.:

    A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

    The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, Want to take a look at this?"

    The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

    The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

    The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic…..

    Try doing it with the engine running.

    ;D

    I've had open heart surgery.  They stopped my heart to do it, because it was impossible to do the repair with my heart beating.
    http://aorticdissection.com/2011/12/06/jim-thompson-47/



  • I've had open heart surgery.  They stopped my heart to do it, because it was impossible to do the repair with my heart beating.
    http://aorticdissection.com/2011/12/06/jim-thompson-47/

    Sorry to hear that Gonzo, wherever you are  :-[



  • I will revive this thread: we need more jokes in here  ;D

    The below was what we laughed about back @ SAP in the '90's (when I worked there).

    If SAP made toasters
    The manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long. The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specific kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP's experts as the "Best Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread. It would take a team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in the best manner and then another 6 months to test it. In the meantime your entire family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use the new toaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding toaster set-up and operation. Of course, the online help would randomly pop up in German. But once it was running (if ever…), you'd get the best toast in the world.

    If IBM made toasters
    They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

    If Xerox made toasters
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

    If Oracle made toasters
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

    If Hewlett-Packard made toasters
    They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

    If Sony made toasters
    The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

    And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
    toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

    If Apple made toasters
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. It's so intuitive to use it comes without any instructions, so you have to visit usenet and buy a few books to find out how to use it.

    If Linux made toasters
    Anyone could build his own toaster from the spare parts in the garage, but people would still pay money for pre-built toasters. All the parts would be user serviceable, and the design plans would be freely downloadable. Instead of the complexity of having to push a button, you would simply type something like toaster --toast_lightness=Urk --bread_type=0x963939.  The toaster would burn your toast by default, but once you enable the don't_burn_my_toast feature in /etc/toaster.conf (as described in the TOASTER-RTFM-HOWTO, which sends you to a least one README file, which in turn sends you to yet more, and at least an hour or two's worth of surfing - you need to get online first) it would toast reliably for years. People who eat Linux toast say that it is better than Windows toast.

    If Fisher Price made toasters...
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

    If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

    Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

    If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

    If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

    If Thinking Machines made toasters...
    You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

    If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

    If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

    If K-Tel sold toasters...
    They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

    If University of Waterloo made toasters...
    They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

    If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

    If Tandem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

    If Price Club made toasters...
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

    If Next made toasters...
    They would be the most beautifully designed toasters in the world. Unfortunately, there would be no way to get the bread inside. Ultimately, Next would stop selling toasters and decide instead to make bread that could be used in other toasters.



  • One for IT nerds  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

    http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/excuses



  • We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.

    Unfortunately that has turned out to be the root cause of "internet down" support calls from remote offices too many times for it to be funny any more.



  • Ha :D
    v funny you bugs bunny :p



  • I found this in one:



  • I got this one while trying to use the MediaCreationTool to download a Windows10 ISO this morning. Microsoft has succeeded in making itself a joke (once again?)
    But maybe it is somehow related to Jospeh Heller's book https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Something_Happened



  • Netgate Administrator

    Ha!  Useful error.  ;)



  • We could follow the Windoze lead and change file_notice() and log_error() so they just put "Something happened" in the logs. That would save a lot of effort getting error messages correct and translated.
    Sample attached  ;)




  • Try to add some smiles on faces again  ;D












  • And more  ;D












  • Second one one of my favorites  ;D














  • Continuing the K9 theme…

    ![I'll be watching you.jpg](/public/imported_attachments/1/I'll be watching you.jpg)
    ![I'll be watching you.jpg_thumb](/public/imported_attachments/1/I'll be watching you.jpg_thumb)