@LinuxTracker:
Interestingly, my IP is one that shows open.
nmap seems to indicate that I (and other IPs in my /24) have 1900/2864 UDP open w/ no services.
Just a misunderstanding of port scanning UDP. With UDP, either you get an ICMP unreachable, so the port is closed, or you get no response at all, which either means the port is open or it's filtered by a firewall. That's what "open|filtered" means in nmap. Not very helpful, but there is no difference in response between an open UDP port and one that a firewall is silently blocking.
Tools that actually send a UPnP request and will check for responses will be able to determine whether it's open or filtered. A UDP port scan can't differentiate between those.