i was able to track down a bit of a solution
we had disabled hardware offloads , this is now turned back on which make xmlrpc sync much quicker and lower load and cpu.
also
we have two wans, on each wan we had two openvpn servers listening for different purposes, 7-8 years ago we were told that its best to listen on localhost with each vpn server, then nat port forward each external port so that each wan can listen on the same server, it appears if we do this now, each time an xmlproc sync occurs it causes pfctl and the reload scripts to thrash and loop 3 or more times.
we this this occuring over and over with localhost
php-fpm[6973]: /rc.openvpn: OpenVPN: One or more OpenVPN tunnel endpoints may have changed its IP. Reloading endpoints that may use VPN
the solution now is listening on a single carp ip, this means were not able to openvpn in the backup wan, but atleast vpn works on master and backup servers, just not the backup wan
all xmlrpc sync is re-enabled and no CARP timeouts so far.......