Yeah what confused me the most is that router->internet was testing at 750mbps+ with speedtest-cli, and desktop to router (through the same switch I'm normally connected through) was testing at 400+mbps (when downloading a dummy 1GB zip file I put in the web dir on the router... and it probably could have ramped up faster if it hadn't yanked the entire file in ~20 seconds).
That's what got me looking at the router configuration itself, because obviously the router->internet connection was fine, and the PC->router connection was fine -- so it had to be something on the router itself that was bottlenecking things.