@darrenh I figured it out, it wasn't related to tun or tap mode at all, nor the VMware.
I found one other person had done it, buried in another forum from 5 years ago.
you have to setup a nat outbound rule by changing to hybrid mode, and setup the LAN interface, network being your vpn user subnet, and set the destination to either just the local lan, or in my case I set it to any, and use the fw interface as the masquerade.
that way the traffic from the vpn users gets masq'd as the local lan and not the 192.168.55.1 it auto assigned for the tunnel subnet.
as soon as I did that, I can get to everything fine :)