As a reply to this in case people in the future are looking, I ended up going with HAProxy. Not only was the setup 10x easier than squid, but it works with SNI so there's end to end encryption. The ONLY downside is that clients who don't support SNI will need to be dealt with somehow, but I'm not sure what HAProxy does for them. At some point in the future I will be testing this so if mods could leave this open for a bit longer so I can report that bit of information (or a solution for those users).
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