4 days later and nobody is willing to help…
Oh well, I thought I would get smart and picked up a copy of the pfsense 2 Cookbook. A word to the wise: this book is a waste of time and money. All it basically does is walk you through wizards without any added explanation or anything. Their section on traffic shaping basically walked you through the QoS wizard, with all default values. By the end of it, you don't know any more than if you just launched the wizard yourself and clicked Next 5-6 times. The cover text says "A practical, example-driven guide to configure even the most advanced features of pfSense 2". Hardly.
At any rate, I'm giving up on traffic shaping. OpenVPN is working and our VoIP phones seem to be doing better going through pfsense than our old MS ISA Server, so good enough for me to stop banging my head against this wall.
Good luck to anyone else trying to figure this out. You're going to need it.