Thanks all for the suggestions. Of course, the tutorials all had one external physical port for WAN and the private for the LAN, then never really explained how to connect the LAN part to a physical port.
So if I have this right, I have TWO externals, one for WAN and one for LAN, set autostart on the vm (I think its set that way already as pfsense came up started after a reboot) and disable VMQ if its there. I did look at the hardware acceleration and saw IPSEC accel and something else (forget) which sounded helpful, but this is my first enterprise grade card.
Cheap on amazon right now, $32 "renewed" (server pull from a proliant. Look for hp four port enterprise to find it. Two intel Gb controllers, four ports.
I'll give it a go in the morning and report back how it went. If all else fails, I have an unfortunately large cube with an i5-6400, 8GB of ram and a small SSD. Love to have it on this always-on machine with the water cooled 6700K and 32GB, but if the vm/pfsense thing just keeps stymieing me, guess I'll run it dedicated and play with trying to get it working on the vm on the bigger machine.
Been in computers for 40 years, and this is my first VM and "make your own router/firewall" experiment. I already had a fun time using Windows Spaces (sort of a software raid capability with parity) with a mishmash of old 2GB drives, four of them made a 7.5GB parity fault tolerant array. Cool, the drives can even be different sizes and/or geometries, internal or external usb/esata and it still uses the whole thing, like JBOD but with parity. Plus 550MB/s reads and 250MB/s writes with 4 old 5400 rpm WD green drives of varying age.
Anyhow, I'll report back in tomorrow. Thanks for the support and understanding, you don't always get nice helpful folks on forums.